What is parenting? Joyfully Grieving

I wrote this June 4 and never got around to posting it...

Growing up I always said I wanted 2 kids, a boy and a girl, just like my mom. I wanted a family just like ours. But as I got into college, I had some friends that came from larger families and wanted larger families for themselves and suddenly I started considering that 3 or more might be really cool. I wanted at least 2, but I was really open to more. I don’t know what God has for me, especially after having 2 but only getting to raise one. We’ve batted around many options, but none seem to be what God is wanting for us RIGHT NOW.

I think of all of this as I get up this morning, the last morning that I will wake up and give kisses to Micah as a 2 year old. I sat down with him and told him that today was June 4 and asked him if he knew what tomorrow was. He thought a minute and pressed his little cheek against his shoulder and pointed at me and took a guess “Your birthday?” I said, “No, that makes tomorrow June 5th” and he said “MY BIRTHDAY”. I teared up a little and asked “How many will you be tomorrow?” He told me today he was two but tomorrow he would be three while holding up his little fingers (he is still working on three). My heart melts and breaks at the same time. In the last 3 years I have many times described parenting as “joyful grieving”. I was surprised to find that I had feelings of grief that one stage is over at the same time I was joyful of a new milestone met. I knew I would always grieve Lydia’s loss, but I didn’t know I would grieve still for a normal, intelligent, living child.

So I sent Micah off to school with his daddy this morning, gave him hugs and kisses. He told me with his arms outstretched that he loves me “this much”. That’s the last time I will send a 2 year old off to school, or will it be? It’s the last time I will send two year old Micah to school, that’s for sure, but will I have another 2 year old to send off with daddy in the morning, I just don’t know. For now, I’m okay not knowing. I celebrate what God has given me and I wait with anticipation for what else He may have in store for me. Whether it be the 2 children I always thought I would raise together or something I haven’t even dreamed of yet.

So I move on to joyfully grieve the life of this incredible gift that God has given to me and Jonathon. My heart will joyfully grieve tonight as we give our little man a bath, read bedtime books, sing bedtime songs, give bedtime hugs and kisses, and tuck him into bed for the last time as a two year old and wake in the morning to a whole new adventure to joyfully grieve as we go. What a beautiful world we live in as parents! We have such a privilege to have moments of joy and moments of grief in the exact same moment.