Old Country Roads

The fog rolls in every year about this time. It’s been creeping in for a few weeks, but it’s heavy today. My baby would’ve turned five in a few short days. She would be learning to write, learning to read, making new friends, and giving night-night hugs and kisses. There would be bows and shoes and tangled hair. There would be dolls that wet and cry and Barbie clothes and shoes and play kitchens and tea parties. I think of her every day, more than once. I think of the many people we knew at that time that were all pregnant at the same time. I think of all those friendships we lost because play dates weren’t so fun when my baby couldn’t play. I think of all the friendships that could’ve been for me and Jonathon and for Lydia. It’s a constant emptiness in my life. It will always be there.

We told Micah that it was going to be Lydia’s birthday and his response was, “It’s my birthday first!” He hopes that Lydia’s birthday means that there will be cupcakes. We know his understanding of Lydia is limited but his obvious love for her is amazing. At this point he doesn’t understand eternity, so it’s our job to teach him. He loves to look at her picture! He says that Lydia is “my baby.” He posed for a picture while lovingly holding Lydia’s picture this afternoon with the biggest smile I have caught on camera in quite some time. It’s heart-warming and heart-breaking at the same time.

We’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to talk to Micah about Lydia and what happened to her and why she is not with us. He is asking more and more questions. We have always talked about avoiding the statement “God took her” because it seems to imply that God is uncaring and takes people at His whim. We have decided to say something to the effect that “Lydia was hurt very badly. Jesus let her come live with him because the doctors couldn’t make her booboos go away. When Lydia went to live with Jesus, He was able to make her all better.” He is the Great Healer. With the Word of Faith or Prosperity movement containing the view that God brings good things if you are faithful to tithe your 10%, it becomes difficult to explain why bad things happen in spite of the faithfulness of the servant. But those “good” things are temporal and not eternal; there is no focus on the eternal within the Word of Faith or Prosperity movements. If I ascribed to such theology in this tragedy, I would be absolutely hopeless and lost. I am so thankful that there is hope because Jesus was dead, buried, and rose again three days later conquering death so that Lydia and those that love Him could have eternal life!

Christianity is eternal at the core. The term Christianity can be broad, so let me specify that I mean those who have a personal relationship with Jesus. Those who have asked Him to cleanse them of their sin and have accepted the greatest gift ever, the gift of eternal life. We wait in anticipation for the return of Jesus where He will take us to a place where there will be no more death or crying or pain. Bad things happen, even to the most faithful followers of Christ, sometimes even more so because of the faithful following of Christ. The road to follow is narrow and less traveled.

You know the old country roads, the unpaved gravel roads, they are less traveled and full of overhanging branches, brush growing over the path, pot holes, wild animals, snakes, and large obstacles. Sometimes the overgrowth of the brush on both sides of the path encroaches on the road making the road very narrow and the brush scrapes down the side of the car, taking a little paint with it. That is the road we walk with Jesus. We are called to “count it all joy when you face trials of many kinds.” Though that is especially hard to grasp, it is something that defines our lives. It is not by my own ability that I find joy in the trials, but I feel Jesus near. I feel his comfort and His love in the midst of the trial. My paint job is not as shiny and there is dust on the dash from my tires kicking up dust into the ventilation system, but I’m still pressing on. I move along slowly with my wounds and fight away the vines that entangle me at almost every move, but Jesus holds my hand and there is no turning back.

I have been thinking about our society and our view of death in general. We see death as bad and as an end. As Christians, we believe that death is only a beginning. This is what I want Micah to know first and foremost. He has nothing to lose on this earth that will not be replaced seven-fold in eternity. When the Lord calls me Home, I hope that Micah doesn’t shake his fist at Heaven in anger. I hope that he thanks God for the time we had together and waits in anticipation to see me again. It feels like Lydia is lost sometimes, but she’s not. She has been eternally healed and rests safely in the arms of Jesus. Though my journey is difficult, it is not without its rewards. I get to teach my son about eternity from the perspective of getting to meet his sister when he goes there. That fascinates him and gives him an excitement that I didn’t know until I was almost thirty years old. He gets to know that now and I’m so proud to share that with him. I know Jesus a little deeper because of Lydia. I pray differently because of Lydia. I look at life different because of Lydia. I’m glad that I have tasted suffering on earth because it makes the hope of heaven just a little sweeter. Come quickly Lord Jesus!