Birthday and Mother's Day

I wrote this on Monday May 10, but just now getting it posted…

It’s been nearly a year since I’ve been able to update my blog. I’ve not had anything nice to say, so I wasn’t saying anything at all. I’ve told a few people that had just started seeing in color again, but there’s a rain cloud hanging out again making everything gray.

This weekend was the beginning of a very difficult season for me and Jonathon. Friday was Lydia’s first birthday and yesterday was my second Mother’s Day. Neither Mother’s Day has been in any way “happy” for me. My first Mother’s Day I had been split open 4 days before in an emergency c-section and was barely moving. Also, I was half dead from an unidentified infection. Then that precious little one that made me Mommy was lying in the Neonatal ICU and was being kept alive only by ventilator and feeding tube. Later that day, they asked if they could transfer her to Cook Children’s. I’ll never forget rolling by wheelchair into the ICU room at Baylor on Mother’s Day and seeing my little girl with her hair sticking up because her hair curled just a little (I had to add the picture of our very own Baby Einstein). Oh, the love that rose up in me for that little bundle of joy! The lyric from “Because He Lives” often comes to mind during these memories, “How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy she gives.” But at this point, I hadn’t been allowed to hold her since she quit breathing in my arms four days before. But I was still able to feel the pride and joy and utter fear of being a parent all in one instance. Women’s intuition, or God's still small voice, told me that this little one was not going to be long on this earth and that He would be calling her home sooner than I would’ve dreamed. My mother’s day gift was made by the nurses at Baylor NICU it was a little flower with Lydia’s precious footprint. They had to make hers bigger than all the others because she was the largest baby on the unit! Then I was given an incredible gift, the opportunity to be a mom for a brief moment, they offered to let me change her diaper. I had never felt so honored to do something in my life. I was also able to pump milk for the first time to feed my little bundle of joy. It wasn’t much, but Jonathon ran it down to the NICU like he was carrying the serum that would heal our baby girl. Then they asked us both to come down to the NICU to sign the papers for her to be transferred to Cook. I was handed a pink lovey to keep with me to give back to Lydia later because then it would carry my scent. I slept with it that night and left with it in my arms instead of my baby the next day when I was discharged from Baylor.

This year, I awoke on Mother’s Day with the emptiness in my heart that I have carried with me everyday for the last year. It’s not the same pain I woke up with last year, the pain in my abdomen that caused me to grimace every time I went to sit up or stand, but the emptiness in my heart is the same today as it was a year ago. Physically, I feel better now than I have in two years, but I think I will always carry this ache until I enter eternity.

Jonathon and I want to be able to have brothers and sisters for Lydia, but we are waiting on God’s timing, because we know that each child is born at the perfect time to serve the Lord. We know that Lydia was able to serve God just as He had planned in her short life and for that we are truly thankful. We were challenged this weekend to think of the ways that Lydia Grace’s life changed ours. First of all, she made us Mommy and Daddy. Second of all, she taught us the reality of the fragility of life and that God holds us all in the palm of His hand. Thirdly, she taught me the value of life on earth and the line between where medical treatment has gone too far and where medical treatment is a blessing from God. Lydia, thank you for making me a Mommy. Thank you, dearest Lord Jesus, for continuing to make all things new.